i got a response from erica about shane. she apologized again, is scared to talk to me, said that if she were to be with any woman, she'd only want to be with me. jesus. this is not about being a fucking lesbian. it's, well, it's about love, of sorts. and impossibility. but i was nice. i forgive her. if she wants to be with a crazy asshole guy, so be it. we'll see how long it lasts. i wonder how the dept head will react. these two are her darlings.

and in another move to forgive and begin again, i am going to a b-ball game with lisa, the one who shat all over me because i couldn't love her, either. lexi says she's not my type, but nobody knows anything, that's what i've got to remember.

really, love and trust takes a long time with me, usually. this all feels like it happened in a blink.

I am not ready to give it up yet. I am "free" and I don’t want to be so free. that is the thing about love, huh. I want to be hers. I want to be yours. I want to be new york city’s.

I want to get a suntan.

Last night I was doped up partying in my house alone.

I’ve grown up. I like coasters.

See?

A funny thing’s been happening, it’s even been making me think I need to change the name of this site – uh oh.

I’m not so femme anymore. the hints aren’t working. they make me doubt my femmeness, which makes me want to look more femme. it’s not I’m lazy, no not when it comes to looks. sure ive got that I-don’t-wash-my-hair-every-day shag going on. I favor sweatshirts. Pants that bag. I haven’t worn nail polish since new years, I haven’t work my knee-high black leather platform boots since august, damn. I’m running out of stockings.

but still, I shower the way people drink coffee, at least twice a day.

femmes, where are you? the femmes I know now are gay men. and I don't have any here, not yet. why don't my women friends share their makeup and fashion excitements with me. and straight girls don't either. they will talk cartoon sex with me but not makeup. why not?

thing is, I listen to what people tell me now, very closely. their observations are really interseting, they are trying to peg me, put me in a box, and by doing so, they ARE putting me in a box, unless I call them out on it. but sometimes they don’t get it. like when my friends do it, even if it is unintentional.

i know, i'm spiraling hardcore. but hear me out.

i feel woozy and weighted mired in all of this. i wish i could push all of this away, away from my senses. i know i'm not doing such a great job handling everything right now. in fact i think i am digging myself into a deeper and deeper mess. how did i get so invested? it's fear.

i have been noticing why this place can be so bad for me. it has to do with feeling less confident. in tarot, the most interesting card for me (when megan read) was the one which depicts how others see you. i think i largely got over that before i came here. when someone tells me what they think about me, here, i feel completely trapped, boxed in. they are trying to box me in, to put me into a definition, a category, mostly because they don't care enough to find out the truth, which is complex and messy and not easily categorized. i have been feeling this all throughout, it's like how a guy asked, have you found your subculture? since obviously i didn't fit in, in his mind. and, it's how a friend asked straight out, how does erica identify? there is no easy answer, and that's what people want, an easy answer.

suddenly i realized that when someone suggests something to you, coming from his or her own perception, an outside perspective imposed onto your own, it influences you without your even knowing it. suggestions are subtly subversive. so, maybe i am having a minor influence on people here. but even worse, even more dominant, is the fact that others' influence, the midwest, the program, the people i have met here, have been influencing me in a way that is NOT supportive, in a way that makes me look at myself in a negative way, the parts of myself that i encouraged to grow out of love, against all odds, and which did grow, are now withered, and have little chance of survival here.

i have to stay strong. my writing, my life, depends on it. i can't let these influences change me. how am i going to do that? it's like fighting the tide.

it's made me doubt myself as a woman, as a femme, which is how i identify. then i looked at myself in the mirror and true, i am not a typical pretty girl. i have been thinking about this since my confidence has waned. i could go all-out halle berry, get a girly haircut and start wearing my tight clothes. and i might do it. but i have to do it for the right reasons. in the past my looking super-feminine was a source of power. i don't feel that way here. i feel it would confuse things even more. but maybe not. maybe i also do want to announce my preference more, here, be more visible, in a place where queers are not. maybe that makes me look less femme, and therefore, since others see me as something else, i am becoming something else. i know inside that is not true. i know i am true to myself. and that's why this is bothering me. i don't want my confidence to die because of how others see me. maybe i need to wear some new armor for protection. but i think that i also want to generate a more supportive feeling here, around those i like. how to do that.